"Next!" A giant of a man stepped forward. If you can imagine a grizzly bear with tattoos splattered across its chest and face...

The Bodyguard

allthingsm4tt

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"Next!"

A giant of a man stepped forward. If you can imagine a grizzly bear with tattoos splattered across its chest and face, ripped jean shorts, warm spit frothing from its mouth, and a twitching eye. You'd be close to picturing him, but Grizzly's are far less intimidating.

"And you are Bone Connoisseur correct?"

He grunted and a substance bungeed from his mouth. It was thicker than spit but not as soupy as snot. He snorted and it returned to his mouth.

"So tell us about yourself." In the guise of covering a yawn she raised her hand over her nose and kept it there. A horrible smell was fumigating the alley way and all nostrils pointed to Bone Connoisseur.

He scratched his chest. His long nails left red marks wherever they touched. "I like to 'urt people. Like to see bone separate from flesh. Like to see the life leave their eyes."

The woman who had asked all the questions, so far, turned to her partner. "I don't think we want a murdering lunatic to protect us." Her hand still covered her face.

"I also like to 'urt people." Bone Connoisseur continued.

"You've mentioned that already." She said.

"That's cause I really like it." He stretched his neck, "If you want protecting. I'm your man." He grabbed his nose and blew out stream of green red stuff.

A few other applicants in the alley turned away as the snot hit the grey cobbled stone.

The woman's partner spoke for the first time. "We've got two trained assassins on our trail. One who only uses knives and another who only uses guns. How would you protect us from that?"

The fat cheeks that smothered his face lifted and his cavity ridden mouth was revealed for everyone to see. Those that knew Bone Connoisseur would have called this his smile, but to the ignorant it looked as if he was in pain. His lips twisted into an L shape, his nose twitched and his forehead furrowed.

"I'd take the knives from 'im and cut out 'is bones. I'd boiled everyone of them down and make trinkets from em. All except for one of 'is ulnas. I'd sharpen that and use it to slice up the throat of that coward that uses guns."

The man nodded and turned to his partner to share his pleasure in the answer.

"Sorry I'm late." A young girl ran into the alley. "I'm not too late am I?"

Everyone turned to her. She was slender and not too tall. Her hair was short on one side of her head and long on the other. It looked like it was suppose to be a pixie crop but she'd had second thoughts half way through and the hairdresser did their best to create something. She wore black boots that were too big for her and a green cloak that fitted her just right.

"No, you aren't but there is a queue." Said the woman, who was a little worried that this young girl was even there. Maybe she'd taken the wrong turning for the barbie convention?

"Ah can I just interview now please? I don't do well with waiting." She pulled out two pieces of paper and handed them to the man and woman.

Bone Connoisseur was trying to remove a piece of ear wax. He tilted his head sideways and gave it whack. He repeated this several times and all he got was a soar ear. He then tried dipping his dirty nails deep into his ear in an attempt to scratch out the wax. He corkscrewed his finger in and out of his ear, and then finally he hit the jackpot. His finger resurfaced and it was hideously black with wax and other dirt.

"A CV?" Said the man

The girl nodded, "And references if you need them."

The couple read the CV out of surprise more than anything.

"The name's Medina by the way. No abbreviations, just Medina!" She swung her arms back and forth as she waited for them to respond.

The woman began to scoff at what she was reading. "You want us to believe you protected The King? And fought at the battle of Veebs?"

"I have recommendations. You can check them if you want." Said Medina.

"Veebs happened 60 years ago. You need to stay in school little girl and study maths." The man rolled up her CV having seen enough.

"Ahhhhhh" A joyous scream came from Bone Connoisseur as he extracted the last piece of ear wax. He rolled it up and flicked it away. "Right I'm getting 'ungry. Are you going to choose me or what?"

The man and woman looked at the each other. They flashed a few looks at the rest of the applicants that were sat waiting and couldn't see anyone as vulgar or frightening as Bone Connoisseur.

"Are you going to choose this unskilled oaf?" Medina pointed so that no one could be mistaken as to who she was talking about.

"An oaf? Watch oo you are talking to girl. Your bones and hair would make a pretty set of paint brushes."

"Listen Medana," The man said, with impatience bubbling through him.

"Medina! I was very clear on that." She said.

"Whatever! Leave here, go home to your parents. This isn't a joke."

Medina rolled her eyes and took out two twin blades from beneath her cloak. They were blood red and had diamond encrusted hilts. She turned to Bone Connoisseur. "I'm going to attack you, please try and defend yourself. I hate killing the defenceless."

Every mouth in the alley way hit the floor. Attacking children was not beneath Bone Connoisseur and he lunged at Medina. She dodged his grab, rolled to her left and sliced off his hand. He screamed and jumped about. Blood squirted from his wrist like a shaken bottle of champagne. She then rushed toward him and cut out his right knee cap in one clean upward sweep. The piece of knee flew in the air and landed on the lap of an applicant. Bone Connoisseur crashed to the floor, his agony cut through the night air. He transferred his hand from his bleeding stump to what was left of his knee. His calf and shin dangled from his hamstring and thigh.

Medina reconcealed her swords. Bone Connoisseur rolled on the floor, and every expletive known to man spewed from his mouth.

"So is there anything else you want to know about me?" 

About Post Author

allthingsm4tt

Writer of things, meme supplier, semi-occasional six string swordist, sporadic cinema goer and smiler.

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